The Eggplant Conspiracy
by MythologyGirl
Summary: Kakashi will never look at food the same way again.


_***Warning:**_ This is my very poor attempt at humour. I am a horrible writer of humor so this probably equals pure trash - you have been warned. Also, I didn't honestly spend as much time editing this is as most of my other stories.

* * *

When Kakashi awoke he noticed something was off right away; his skin felt more leathery, his muscles more stiff. Reluctantly, he rolled off his bed, padded into bathroom and flicked on the light to prepare for his morning routine of shower, brush teeth, and get dressed in the clothes he had hung up in the bathroom closet the night before. However, he froze when he went to get undressed when he noticed that his skin was no longer the pale shade it had been, but a dark purple and that his body was also oddly shaped; his 'belly' protruding so he could hardly see his feet - which no longer had toes, appearing more as thin sticks in a 'L' shape - making him quickly rush to the mirror to get a look at his reflection. The Copy-nin barely contained an internal scream when, instead of where a human should have been standing, there was an eggplant with a face-mask (that looked more like something a bandit would wear) and mussed silver hair.

Kakashi instantly tried to dispel the genjustu before checking the mirror again - he was still a vegetable. He attempted three more times before giving up with a mumbled, "What the fuck?"

In a daze the human-sized eggplant continued to get ready for the day. He figured it was either a strong hallucination from lack of sleep due to consecutive missions and having to deal with his hyperactive students. He was sure that it would eventually wear off given time. If he knew how bizarre the rest of day would be he would have never have answered the door when an the overly insistent knocking sounded, the wood of the front door shaking with the force of the hits.

"Gai," Kakashi began slowly in greeting, after he opened the door, blinking down at his now very short, bumpy ovalish comrade. "You're a potato."

"Rival," the tan colored potato (a Kennebec?) yelled out affronted. "How could you say such an unyouthful thing?"

Kakashi watched in morbid fascination when a river of tears started to stream out of Potato-Gai's creepy peeled out eye sockets. "...I'm sorry?"

Potato-Gai's tears vanished just as quickly as they appeared, replaced by an overly bright smile - a shine pinging off the pearly white's (since when did potatoes have teeth?) - and his black hair blowing to the side dramatically when he performed one of his 'Nice Guy' poses that he was so famous for - a beautiful sunset appearing behind him. "No worries my rival!"

Kakashi brought up one of his 'hands' to scratch the side of his face, nearly flinching at the odd shape of it and the reminder his hands were more sticks than actual, well, hands. He pushed those thoughts aside as he got to more pressing matters, "Why are you here?"

Potato-Gai blinked, startled out of his sunset backdrop by the inquiry, eyebrows scrunching together (Kakashi took comfort in the fact they were still huge, rectangular, and bushy) as if he were trying to recall why exactly he had come to his 'Most Youthful Rival's' abode. It didn't take long before Potato-Gai once again struck a ridiculous pose - one arm in the air and the other on his hip area as he leaned his bumpy body out to the left - announcing, "Hokage-sama, has requested our most Youthful presence!"

"Saa," the silver-haired eggplant made of sound of agreement. He moved out into the hallway, after grabbing his pack, which he had left by the entrance, closing the door behind him, "we better not keep Tsunade-sama waiting."

"Yosh! The perfect chance for another challenge," Potato-Gai declared, probably waking more than half of Kakashi's neighbors with his loud booming voice. "The first one to the Hokage's office shall be considered the most youthful!"

And with that the eggplant and potato made there way out into the sunlight.

* * *

Potato-Gai burst through the window off the office, shattering the glass as he leapt through first, rolling on the ground several times before stopping on his knees, hand on chin and a large smile across his face in victory. Kakashi leaping through the threshold on a second or two behind.

Kakashi's first thought upon entering the Hokage's cozy work place for an apparent mission briefing only to find more human-sized consumable items surrounding the room was, 'How is this my life?' His next was that he really shouldn't be surprised with how many walking, talking foods he saw on the way here or that all the carvings in the Hokage Monument where also various food products. His last thought was why he was the only one actually wearing anything besides a headband… Kakashi shuddered.

"You're late Kaka-sensei!" The narutimaki shouted, pointing a stick like arm at them in accusation Kakashi didn't even need the messy blond hair and familiar whiskers to know this was his ramen loving student. "Bushier Brows-sensei was supposed to get you here on time!"

The sakura mochi whacked Narutimaki-Naruto, making the white, pink spiraled topping fall to the floor with a pain yelp, whining out, "Sakuuuura-chan!"

"Stop shouting!" the pinkish mochi, Sakura, screeched.

"You are the loser of this Most Esteemed Match, my rival!" Gai shouted dramatically completely ignoring the two 'youthful' ninja before him. "That means you must take upon you a punishment!"

"Maa, laps around the village," Kakashi said uncaringly.

"No," Gai said, a glint forming in his eye and his voice taking a sinister tone, making Kakashi start to sweat nervously. Gai and everyone behind him pulled out sharpened peelers, eyes shadowed and evil grins.

"Peeling."

* * *

Kakashi shot up, hand on his chest, and gasping for air. When he finally got his breathing under control he examined one of his shaking hands and nearly sighed with unrestrained relief - it was human, not a stick, five fingers and all. He lifted his hand to run through his hair, damp with sweat, from the horror he had experience.

"…. A dream?"

* * *

 _ **Author's Note:**_ This story has been sitting on my computer forever and, from looking at my notes, it was actually supposed to go on for longer. The were supposed to take a mission, meet the food Sasuke - how I think was supposed to be a fish (?) - and then when they got back Kakashi was supposed to threatened with peeling. My notes also say I was supposed to have finished this for Halloween or April 1st - meh. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my attempt at humor, if only a little, and that it wasn't to corny or horrendous. I doubt I will be doing much like this in the future at all.


End file.
